Visiting Dad can be a challenge. We live in the present, past,
and future. Dad lives in the present. Consequently the challenge with visiting
Dad, at this stage of his dementia progression, is communicating in the
present. Questions that begin with, “Do you remember…” will only be answered in
the context of what is currently in his present, his moment.
Conversation tends to be a series of statements
acknowledging what is happening at that moment: someone passing by, a
commercial on the television, the food he is eating, and so on. He doesn't know
if the person who passed by is a nurse, visitor, or other resident. He doesn't
what program was on prior to the commercial and he doesn't know if he is eating
lunch or dinner.
When Shelley and I visited Dad yesterday, early evening on Sunday,
he was sitting in the dining room waiting for dinner to be served. However, he
didn't realize it was 20 minutes before he would get his dinner. He just sat at
the table and focused his attention on the green cloth napkins placed on the
table. He would count them, “there’s one, there’s another, see (pointing) one,
two, three, four…” then repeat what he just said.
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| Our visit with Dad and the Green Napkin |
Then his attention shifted to another resident sitting to
his left, a young man who was trying to put a button into a buttonhole, but
there was no button. The young man voiced frustration. Dad responded with, “Are
you alright?” Dad repeated his question and a few seconds later the young man
responded and Dad just watched him. Then he noticed the napkins again and said,
“Look at that.” Then the counting began again.
When I visit Dad, I must look at life differently. I must
focus on his present moment and that is not easy to do. I want to ask
him so many questions, I want us to talk like we did years ago; I want him to
confirm that he is alright.
Communicating with my Dad in his moment has taught me
valuable life lessons:
- Every moment of our lives is valuable
- Keep life simple
- Be aware of what is happening “in the moment”
- Genuinely communicate with your loved ones
I treasure each visit and our “in the moment” conversations.
I know than one day he will not be able to speak and we will have to learn to
communicate by reading each other eyes. But until then, I will deal with one
challenge at a time.
Photos of Dad in "His Moments"
(These photos were taken over several visits in September)
