Getting Past May

My last post was at the end of April 2012 and so much has happened since then. As most of you know, my mom passed away on May 3 and the rest of the month was spent making memorial arrangements, visiting dad, and making the trip to San Antonio and back. Getting past May has been more difficult than I anticipated but nothing is ever the same after the loss of a parent.

Now it is June and I want to update you all about my latest visit with Dad on Father's Day, June 17th. I drove down to San Rafael on a beautiful afternoon, which had significantly cooled down from the day before when the temperature hit the century mark. Shelley wasn't feeling well so I made the trip alone.

As I walked into Dad's room he greeted me with an instant smile of recognition, which was then confirmed when he addressed me as "mijo!" And he started to cry. I noted that Dad is looking well although he needed a shave. I started my conversation by telling him about the family I'd seen in Texas and about the trip. He asked where I'd spoken with everyone and I said, "In San Antonio," and he looked a bit confused. I reiterated that I'd just gotten back from San Antonio. Then I called Joyce so she could talk to him for a while. They had a nice conversation and Dad didn't cry as much this time.

I told him his birthday was coming up soon and he said, "Oh really?" I asked if he remembered his birth date and he couldn't remember. So I reminded him, June 19th. I said, "Guess how old you are going to be." He said he didn't have any idea. I told him, 84. He said, "I'm getting old!"

Lately Dad seems to be doing quite well health wise but it is very evident his memory is fading with each passing month and year. He can still joke around and laugh but he can also get angry if he doesn't like someone (like his roommate).

Here are a couple of photos I took of Dad during my visit:

Yes, Dad is smiling in both photos!

The Alzheimer's Roller Coaster Ride

A parent with Alzheimer's is like being on a perpetual roller coaster ride - constant ups and downs. Ever since Dad has come to live with us and then going into the nursing home, his physical and mental health have gone up and down and not always in synchronization. Mom is on the same ride just in a different car and no one is having a fun.

Dad has gone from not eating hardly anything to eating more recently - a pattern repeated over the last three years. He has been bed ridden for most of the past few months with occasional outings in a wheelchair. Recently, on Tuesday, April 24th, Dad tried to get out of bed and go for a walk but fell and cut himself because he didn't realize how weak he had become. In his mind he's been up and about on a daily basis going for walks, playing ball, working, etc.

The last four visits Dad has recognized me when I arrive and will start to weep. Later during the visit he will think I'm his father. I always make it a point to talk about each of his brothers and sisters; sometimes he recognizes their names and at other times he does not. When I point to pictures of Bruce or Joyce he hesitates naming them; sometimes he gets it right but more and more he gets the names confused. Lately he says his daughter's name is Rachel (actually his sister and his daughter's name is Joyce).

Mom's ups and downs are different. She is struggling with a yet-to-be determined skin condition that has her constantly itching and thus spreading the condition. She sees another doctor tomorrow for a second opinion.

Joyce, Bruce and I appreciate all you family members taking this roller coaster ride with us. We know it is not easy since many of you are also dealing with a parent with Alzheimer's but we thank you for your visits and/or encouraging words.

Here are some pictures and videos of Mom & Dad:

Here is Shelley encouraging Dad to drink water. Even though
He isn't eating much, he is drinking sufficient fluids.

 Above is a video of Shelley making Dad laugh with a puppet.

This is a collage of family pictures in his room. At every visit
he will ask me who is the person in the middle. I'll ask him who
he thinks it is and he answers with a question, "Me?"

This is a short video of Joyce taking Mom to a doctor's appointment:

A Sunday Afternoon Visit With Dad

This past Sunday, March 18th, Bruce and Bonnie joined me for a visit with Dad. Dad was in a very good mood and talkative, he even joked a bit. Dad even spoke with Joyce on my cell and, as usual, they both started to cry.

For about 8 weeks now Dad has not eaten very much but he does well drinking fluids especially milk. When Dad entered the nursing home almost a year ago he weighed 146 lbs and since then has lost weight and is now to 123 lbs. We encourage him to eat and for the last couple of weeks has eaten more of his meals; he eats about 25% of some meals. He is still weak and needs a wheelchair for mobility.

Dad is in a bit of an up-swing in the up-and-down world of dementia. As such I was able to record a short video where he says hi to everyone but he is also very emotional. Here is Dad saying hello to his family in Texas:

Here is a picture of Bruce speaking with Joyce, while Bonnie looks to see what I'm doing:

Here is another picture of Dad with a big smile for everyone:

Till next time!

"Going North to Go South" - When Life's Directions Change

On February 25, my brother Bruce and I drove to San Antonio, Texas to visit our Mother. Mom, like Dad and her sister, has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Mom is currently receiving hospice care and since Bruce and I live in the San Francisco Bay Area (about 1850 miles from San Antonio) we felt the need to visit her perhaps for the last time.

"Going North to Go South" is how Bruce described the beginning of our trip when family and friends asked about our trip (he's in Redwood City and I'm in Santa Rosa). However, those words have a far deeper meaning.

My sister, brother, and I had no idea that our parents would end up in nursing homes because dementia would rob them of their memories and abilities to care for themselves. We expected to be able to have normal conversations with them about our lives and the memories we shared. Instead, we've had to adapt to life's direction and changed course. So for the moment we are going North, a different direction than we anticipated in our younger days. And we are making the most of this journey with the support of our families and friends.

Here are some of our moments with Mom:

In our hearts we know Mom knew we are her children.

Our last day in San Antonio saying good-bye.

Mom knew we were leaving...

And across town in another nursinghome is our Aunt Vicky. So much of our childhood was spent with our aunt and cousins. Here we are our Aunt:

Aunt Vicky and her son Richard

Me and my Aunt

We were able to visit other family members on our trip:

Our Aunt Theresa and Uncle Paul (Dad's brother)

Our Uncle Leo and Aunt Noemi (Tia Mimi )Dad's sister

Our cousins Martha and Rene (aka Gabriel) invited us to dinner with other family members.

Our Uncle Joe (Dad's Brother) suffered a mild stroke prior to our visit.

And finally, Bruce, thinking about the return trip and having , this time, to go North to go South.

Catching Dad on a Good Day: An Increasingly Rare Moment

Yesterday, February 11th, I spent some one-on-one time with Dad. His decline has become more apparent in the last month or so and visits were short because all he wanted to do was sleep. When I arrived at the nursing home yesterday afternoon I found him in bed asleep but dressed. I nudged him and he woke up immediately and started talking almost as if he'd been in a conversation with me prior to nodding off.

Most of what he said made no sense to me, much of what he verbalized seemed to be about imaginary activities (or fragments of past experiences). I asked him if he would like to get out of his room and take a ride in his wheelchair (Dad is too weak to walk on his own) and he agreed. After getting him in the wheelchair I took him to some of the spots in the nursing home we'd been to in the past. As we sat by the courtyard entrance, he continued his conversation with me. Some of what he said that I could make out were, "Bruce, is doing good now, he's learning." And "Jay makes me laugh, he's just a boy you know." Then after a nurse made an announcement on the nursing home's PA system, Dad said with a loud voice looking upwards towards the ceiling, "Joyce, is that you? Where are you?" then he looked down and chuckled. I asked him if he remembered Shelley and he said, "Oh yes, she's been around. I saw someone who looked just like her, I think it was her sister."

A few minutes later, Pilar, one of the CNAs caring for Dad, came by and spoke with Dad in Spanish. She said, "I see your have a visitor." Dad looked at her puzzled and asked her if she knew who I was. She said yes. She said, "That's your son." Dad laughed at her like she was crazy and said, "No, that's my papa." Pilar smiled at him and me and continued on what she was doing before stopping to talk to Dad.

A little over an hour later he was tired and cold, so I wheeled him back to his room where he could get under the covers.

The following video is just under 3 minutes but it will give you an idea of what my visit was like. Most of what he says is hard to follow but you might be able to make out some of this thoughts. Enjoy Dad on a good day:

Dad Says, "Thank You God."

When I visited Dad yesterday, he was asleep when I entered his room. So I stood there and watched him sleep and slowly his eyes opened up and he softly said, "Thank you God."

I asked him what he was thanking God for and he said, "That you came to see me." I smiled and we started talking, well, I asked leading questions to get him to talk. Then he said, "Help me God." I asked him what he needed God to help him with and he said, "Everything."

For the last few weeks Dad is eating less and less. He is just not interested in eating or he'll say nothing tastes right and won't eat. I scheduled yesterday's visit to be there when lunch is served so I could encourage or help him eat. He only ate three small bites the grilled fish, two bites of the noodles, and two bites of the sweetened chopped apple. He did, however, drink 90% of the milk. The nurse said they were waiting for a doctor's order to give him an appetite stimulant to see that that might help him eat more.

Dad is also undergoing some blood and urinalysis tests to see what else might be going on. I should have the results in a couple of days.

During my visit I made a short video of Dad greeting his family. You might have to turn up the volume as he speaks softly and there is a lot of background noise.

 Thanks for reading and watching!

Time for Reflecting: Another Year Gone By

As another year comes to an end, many of us spend some time reflecting about how time has changed our lives, filled with moments of happiness and sadness. Fifty-nine years ago today, was a happy occasion for my Mom and Dad when they were married.

December 28, 1952

Their lives have changed dramatically since that day in 1952. They each lived full lives together and separately with their children and their families being the bond that brought them together for special times. Today, however, Alzheimer's has placed Mom & Dad in a time warp that takes them to moments of their lives to relive again and again. Each moment they relive becomes fragmented with other moments. Some days I can tell where they are at and at other times I cannot. It is a journey all their own and we are just observers.

The following photos are of Mom & Dad today, December 2011:

My mother Janet

My father David

Of the two years of blogging, this update has been the most difficult with tears blurring my writing. As I look at the photos of Mom and Dad of today, I reflect on their lives and the lessons learned.

What will you make of your 2012?